After the near record breaking opening weekend of X-Men 3:the Last Stand, I have no doubt in my homo sapien brain that Brett Ratner is furiously masturbating on a pile of hundred dollar bills while Jackie Chan fists him with Wolverine claws. Cash, semen and KY Jelly, this is the smell of Hollywood sucess.
X-Men 3: the Last Stand? More like I can't stand this shit. Instead of the movie being a metaphor for how oppressed gays, blacks, jews are, they've turned the flick into a typical Hollywood actioner. After noted homosexualist Bryan Singer left to do Superman, the powers that be decided to choose Wolverine cosplayer Brett Ratner to direct tge movie. Have you ever wanted to see a movie where Colin Powell leaves president, dresses up like a leather daddy and rips people apart? That's what you'll get when you see Kelsey Grammar as Hank McCoy. The more I think about it, the more Beast sounds like John Macain. Lets vote Republican in 2008.
Do you like Hugh Jackman's nipples? In X-Men 3, they're as hard as adamantium. There was a scene in the movie where my sexuality was questioned where he used his totally masculine areolas to carve Jean Grey a statue out of clay. Art sooths the dark Pheonix. Glorious Canadian art.
There's this guy called Bobby Drake in this movie. He's quite skilled at looking slightly confused. Wouldn't you be confused when your love interest who is 19 looks like she barely entered puberty? X-fans, you my masturbate without guilt when you see Kitty Pride in her leather suit. I digress. Bobboy Drake's alias is Iceman and yet he's not allowed to fly the plane. Does this make sense in the post Top Gun world. The answer is a sad shake of the head.
How gay is Ian Mackellen in the new X-flick? Not as gay as he was in X2. Although both he and Professor X argue like old lovers when they meet Jean Grey at the beginning of the movie, there's no super queer moments like him giggling like a school girl and lisping to Rogue, "I love what you've done with your hair." Bring back Fagneto.
The Juggernaut. He's unstoppable until stopped by Shadowcat. And did we need to change him from a black pimp into a lovable cockney footballer?
"Oi oi! I'm the Juggernaut, you twat! Me bollocks are so large!"
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Regardless of the crappiness compared to the others, I thought it was interesting how much they stole from Grant Morrison's run on X-Men. Magneto fucking up bridges, the omega-like symbol for the morlocks is like that of Quintan Quire or whatever's revolution, wolverine with the phoenix, etc.
-Mike
Yeah, I'm not suprised. If you check the credits, apprently one of the mutants in Magneto's army is Kid Omega, aka Quintin Quire.
Did you stay until after the credits? Turns out that Charlie ain't that dead after all.
Yeah I did stay. It was set-up, so it's not like it just happened... but I don't know how to feel about that yet...
wow rob i must say i cant comment on your "critic-ness" but i really found your site to be something ive never seen before. as you know though, im computer illiterate but either way i find your site will give me something to do on the net. "seeing your take on things" ahaha now i know why you ask people that. your interested to know because you also have a take. im gonna ask you a question then and id like to you give me your take. im truly interested... "rob..whats your take on the canadian soldiers going to the war in afghanistan?"
Post a Comment